Many of us have heard it. Most of us despise it. It’s the infamous, “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” question.
When I find myself on the receiving end of this very silly question, I typically answer with the anticipated, “I don’t know” or something equally as vague and polite.
However, as we approach a holiday focused entirely on love, it seemed only fair to really do some thinking and answer this question in it’s full capacity.
I am single because:
Selecting a Boyfriend is Harder than Selecting an NFL Draft Pick.
Allow me to explain…
- Draft: Teams watch game film and practice footage, they’ve talked with player’s previous coaches, they have a good idea how the player responds under pressure, how they handle trick plays, etc…
- Dating: I can’t just call a guy’s ex-girlfriend and ask for an analysis of his previous relationship contributions. That would be crazy. So, dating research is mainly limited to social media presence and complete speculation.
- Draft: Players have been training for months. They work out, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, and immerse themselves in knowledge of the game to be the best NFL candidate they can be.
- Dating: Dudes do not appear to train at all, in any way, for boyfriend candidacy.
3. Selection Committee
- Draft: Teams have an entire team of people dedicated to selecting the draft pick. If the pick ends up being a bust, it’s equal blame on all parties involved.
- Dating: It’s just me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my friends scout talent for me, but if I make a bad pick, that’s 100% on me. That’s a lot of pressure for one gal.
4. Mutual Selection
- Draft: Players are super pumped when an NFL team drafts them. Look at any draft pick! They are elated. They can’t wait to spend time with their new team, no matter which team it may be.
- Dating: He has to like me back. That’s all there is to it.
5. War Room
- Draft: Teams have a selection headquarters. Pictures, reminders, a stat board, interview notes, comparison charts, it’s all in one place, ensuring that a well-informed decision is made.
- Dating: If I had a war room for dating, someone would surely call the police because that would look like stalking. So, all I’ve got is my brain (and a few text message screenshots) to remind me of important selection considerations.
6. Eligibility Announcement
- Draft: Players actually declare that they will be entering the draft. Essentially, they say “Pick Me, Coach!” Teams are 100% aware of which players they need to be evaluating for selection.
- Dating: When looking around a crowded city, I have virtually no way of knowing which men are, and which men are not eligible for selection. Daunting.
7. Fair Selection Process
- Draft: The team that had the roughest season in the prior year picks first. After all, they deserve first chance at a game-changing player.
- Dating: There is no fairness. No matter how rough your love life may have been in the past year, there is no head start and no cut-sies in line…because there isn’t even a line at all.
- Draft: You’re either drafted, or you are not. No team stands up during the draft and says “We’re talking to…” or “We’re just friends (for now) with….”
- Dating: The ambiguity in dating is infinite.
- Draft: A team outlines the responsibilities of the player and identifies their responsibilities to the player. There are clearly defined expectations.
- Dating: Everyone is trying to appear so chill, that the line between “I’m so low-maintenance” and “I am uninterested in you” is blurred, leading to a painfully unproductive game of “Text Message Chicken” where each party waits for the other to initiate planning an actual date, in an effort to not appear “needy”.
10. Loyal Companionship
- Draft: Once drafted, a player has the utmost loyalty to his team. He eats, sleeps, and breathes for his team and all it stands for.
- Dating: …LOL